Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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