apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
