Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My vagina just recognized that song.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
