a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize