My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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