Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Randomize
