You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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