Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
