Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize