I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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