Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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