I'm going to jail i love you
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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