Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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