Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
