I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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