Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
