so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
