Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
