I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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