Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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