On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
