Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
