She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
