they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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