It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
