If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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