I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
