His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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