my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize