could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
