Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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