My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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