it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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