What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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