Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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