Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
