Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
