I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
