I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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