literally had 100 drinks last night.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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