Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
