dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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