my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
