I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
