just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
This is the high leading the old right now
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
