ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
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