Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
