i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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