I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
