I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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