I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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