I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
