Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
