This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
