Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
