i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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