It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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