i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
