the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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