Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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