babies were throwing up all over the place
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
And then he peed in my hair
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
