i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
third nipple confirmed
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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