my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
