I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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