she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
