she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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