Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
